


i'm moving past the feeling

by 131 (mechuri)



Category: UNIQ (Band), X1 (Korea Band), iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Coming In Pants, Consensual Infidelity, Hand Jobs, Humiliation, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Repression, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:14:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25638610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechuri/pseuds/131
Summary: “you said you weren’t,” hanbin accuses right away. he can’t help it. he can still feel the weight of seungyoun’s palm on his leg.seungyoun shrugs and says, “i’m not.”“then what do you want?”if it sounds desperate it’s because he is. hanbin doesn’t know how to move on, clearly. writing songs didn’t work it out for him like it does everything else.
Relationships: Jung Jaewon | One/Kim Hanbin | B.I, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Story

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my Seungbin Thesis.
> 
> chapter one is the entire fic - chapter two is the bibliography (yes, this is a fully referenced fic. i'm not kidding).
> 
> title from the suburbs by arcade fire.

2020

hanbin watches seungyoun’s comeback stage and is glad he hadn’t planned his own for the same time. not that it wouldn’t be nice to see seungyoun. not that it wouldn’t be nice to not be the only sunbae making a debut.

he just doesn’t particularly want some unfortunate hoobae walking in on him on his knees.

2011

hanbin and jinhwan are there for a week before bobby comes, but it’s enough that he feels like an outsider to them both for a little while (hanbin longer than jinhwan, perhaps).

they all fit in with the other trainees okay. hanbin might secretly consider them their own separate unit, though.

compared to other agencies, yg doesn’t have that many trainees. they’re allowed to mix but they don’t much. if hanbin sees a noona in the practice room he goes into another one.

he goes home later than his mother asks him to, sometimes not at all, and when he meets bobby’s aunt he gets told he’s too thin.

hanbin drops out of school even though his mother asks him not to. she stops complaining when he starts coming home before midnight, and doesn’t mention that he leaves the house before nine am most days.

trainees come and go. hanbin tries not to pay much attention to anyone who arrives after him - bobby the only exception - because he doesn’t know how long they’ll last. seungyoon and jinwoo only joined the year before but they seem eternal compared to hanbin’s three or four months.

he’s reading in the practice room he and jinhwan and bobby use most often, hanbyul too noisy an eight-month-old for hanbin to focus around, when the door opens and someone walks in who hanbin doesn’t know.

and it isn’t that strange, because he doesn’t have much time for anything that isn’t practicing and music and he definitely doesn’t have time to learn the names of everyone who uses this building.

it feels strange, though. hanbin looks at the boy in the doorway and his stomach flips.

“oh, sorry,” he says when he spots hanbin curled up on the bench in the corner. “i didn’t know anyone was in here.”

hanbin nods and wonders if he’ll throw up if he speaks.

the boy doesn’t leave. “i’m seungyoun,” he says.

he must be new if he’s trying to chat with hanbin of all people.

“i joined last month.” _bingo_.

seungyoun is still standing in the doorway, holding the door open with his foot. he’s wearing basketball shorts like all the trainees do, and a grey beanie.

“what are you reading?” he asks.

hanbin has to cough before he can get the words out. “just… a history book.”

“for school?” seungyoun says. he seems unbothered by having to carry the conversation.

“no, i don’t go.”

“oh. hm,” seungyoun seems to think for a second, then says, “hyung?”

it makes hanbin blush in seconds. he’s the maknae of his group of trainee friends. he’s sure there are younger trainees than him but he doesn’t know them.

“96,” he says, sure that seungyoun will be older. seungyoun looks older. he’s got a bit of a baby face and his teeth look too big, but he’s tall and has confidence that hanbin can only fake in front of a camera.

“me, too!” he says, though, and looks excited about it. “i’m a year behind in school so all my friends are younger.”

there’s barely a difference between a fourteen and a fifteen year old but the wrinkle of displeasure in seungyoun’s brow is something hanbin gets. bobby and jinhwan baby hanbin sometimes: and it’s fine, and sometimes even nice, but maybe it would be good to have a real same-age friend.

not that that means hanbin knows how to go about it, of course. he nods and attempts a sympathetic grimace.

“well,” seungyoun says. he hovers for a moment more, and hanbin feels self-conscious of the ratty old t-shirt he’s wearing.

“i’ll see you around?”

nodding, hanbin says, “yeah,” and the slam of the door seems to echo.

before the end of the year, yang hyunsuk designates groups: hanbin has never felt further from his hyungs than when he sees them practicing under the name team a.

he, jinhwan, and bobby are team b.

the next time he sees him - in the street, on the way back from the convenience store just as hanbin is on his way there, dark but for the street lamps even though it’s barely six - hanbin asks seungyoun if there’s a team c.

seungyoun says, “yes. me and sungjoo hyung.”

“why isn’t he in team a?” hanbin asks, frowning. he’d guessed after seeing only four people through the door days in a row - one of them one of the newest trainees - but it doesn’t make sense.

“i don’t know,” is all seungyoun has as an answer. he swings the plastic bag he’s holding back and forth.

“maybe they’ll add you to b and hyung to a,” hanbin suggests, finding the silence too awkward.

“i don’t practice enough every day to join you,” seungyoun says, jokingly but he looks defensive.

hanbin just shrugs.

“i could help you extra.”

there’s a pause, and then seungyoun says, “if team b debut, do you think c will, too?”

“uh,” hanbin says, put on the spot.

seungyoun is undeterred. “if team a debut, do you think _you_ will, too?”

maybe hanbin has been naïve.

he’s competitive, yes, but with himself. he wants to be better than he was a month ago, a week ago, the day before. his friends have never been his competition.

now he can’t stop thinking about what seungyoun said. yg’s last group was 2009, and 2006 before that. what’s the likelihood of there being three new groups so close together?

jinhwan makes to sit next to jinwoo in the cafeteria as usual and hanbin pulls him away by the sleeve, making them instead sit at a separate table.

he gets puzzled looks for his trouble, and relays what seungyoun had implied later on when he and bobby and jinhwan are lying on the floor of the practice room after finishing their latest choreography.

“we’re friends, though,” jinhwan says.

“i know,” hanbin agrees, pulling his snapback off and throwing it into the corner of the room. “but it can’t be all of us.”

2012

having three teams seems excessive. having only three people in one of the teams seems even stranger. bobby jokes that they’ll be the next seo taiji and the boys, and they argue over who would be the frontman for a week straight.

hanbin waits for them to be told sungjoo and seungyoun are joining b. surely sungjoo at the very least is good enough. he’s put in the time. taehyun hasn’t. nothing about it seems fair.

april comes and team b get two new members.

yunhyeong is polite and awkward, and junhoe is loud and won’t let jinhwan treat him like a child for even a second.

hanbin doesn’t know why it wasn’t seungyoun, and when he bumps into him in the hallway they both avert their eyes.

their first monthly evaluation is a mess to say the least. yunhyeong had wanted to be an actor and his singing is nowhere near good enough yet. junhoe is talented but rough. their teamwork is non-existent. they’re let off slightly given how new the change is, but are told that the next month’s needs to be better. much better.

hanbin gets to work, sleeps in the booth in the practice room, wakes up and goes back to it.

he’s eating tuna kimbap on the floor the next time he sees seungyoun. the clock on the wall says it’s midnight. jinhwan and yunhyeong are next door doing vocal practice, and they’ll go home soon - yunhyeong is the only one of them who still goes to school.

“hey,” seungyoun greets, and walks in to sit down next to hanbin without preamble.

hanbin slides the last kimbap over to seungyoun and watches him pick it up but not bite into it.

“what’s up?” hanbin says. tentative. he and seungyoun don’t talk much but hanbin knows bobby is friends with him. he’d heard them practicing together and walked away before they noticed him.

“haven’t finished my homework,” seungyoun says. “and i can’t get this flip right.”

hanbin snorts, “i can’t help with either of those.”

seungyoun smiles at that, and hanbin is reminded of the fact that being around seungyoun always makes him feel a little queasy.

“what can you help with?”

hanbin is always stumbling around seungyoun. “i don’t know,” he says instinctively, then corrects himself, “rapping, i guess. but you have bobby for that.”

seungyoun raises one eyebrow and asks, “do i?”

“you’re friends,” hanbin says.

“you and me aren’t friends,” seungyoun says back. it’s not rude. it’s just true. hanbin couldn’t tell you anything about seungyoun other than that there’s something about the way he carries himself.

“i know,” hanbin agrees. “but if you wanted help i- well, i’m always here. in this room, i mean.”

it comes out a little wrong and hanbin wants to take it back.

“even though we’re on different teams?” seungyoun sounds bitter, maybe. hanbin doesn’t know how to talk about emotions.

“we might not always be,” hanbin says. he thinks about sungjoo training for two years already and the spot that was surely his being filled by taehyun.

seungyoun says nothing but his silence is disagreement enough.

they eat together and don’t speak. seungyoun pulls out his phone when he’s done, must be sending a text, and then gets to his feet.

“thanks for the food,” he says.

hanbin stares at seungyoun’s legs instead of looking up and says, “anytime.”

when donghyuk joins team b, jinhwan is delighted that they finally have a real maknae. hanbin can only think that the spaces are dwindling.

donghyuk is lovely, though. he’s shy but he gets louder after only a week or so, and he and junhoe get along so well that hanbin just knows there will be plenty of arguments in the future.

with five other members hanbin is unofficially their leader. the pressure at the end of every month weighs him down. his mother asks him when he’s supposed to debut and he can’t answer her.

hanbin and bobby are practicing late, tucked away in the side room, when the main door opens and there are footsteps.

it’s not donghyuk - he’s still in school, though if he’s anything like junhoe (and he is) he won’t be for much longer - and jinhwan and junhoe had left hours before.

hanbin thinks it’ll be a cleaner asking them to leave, please, but seungyoun opens the door and says, “bobby hyung-” and freezes when he realises hanbin is there, too.

he recovers fast, though. so fast bobby might not even have noticed.

“hyung, remember what i said the other day?” seungyoun says.

bobby nods, and hanbin stays quiet.

“they’re adding them to team c.” seungyoun bounces a little on the balls of his feet when he says this.

“all three?” bobby asks, and he does a little clap when seungyoun nods. “now you can do actual choreography!”

seungyoun grins with all of his teeth and hanbin realises he’s never seen him do that before.

“um, who?” hanbin asks. he doesn’t want to interrupt but he hates being left in the dark.

bobby spins in his chair and starts to explain, “three chinese trainees. i don’t think you know them?”

hanbin shakes his head _no_.

“there was a rumour about it and i guess it was true,” bobby shrugs.

2013

the rumour was a little off, though.

team c exists for a month and then it’s revealed: they’re uniq, they’re a debut project, they don’t belong to yg.

the irony of it isn’t lost on any of them, c being the first to become legitimate. a and b needn’t have been so smug, if they ever were.

it’s worse than the team announcement.

hanbin sees seungyoun in the convenience store and feels like he shouldn’t say hello. seungyoun is under a different company, still being trained at yg as part of a collaboration. hanbin doesn’t know if team b will debut this year or the next or ever.

seungyoun sees hanbin standing in front of the ramyun and nudges him in the side instead of greeting him properly.

“can’t pick?” he asks.

hanbin realises seungyoun must have hit a growth spurt. he has to look up a little more than he had expected to.

“no, it’s fine,” he mumbles, and grabs the first pot his hand touches.

seungyoun has already paid, has a bag of food hanging from his wrist, but he follows hanbin up to the register and waits while he pays.

they go outside. seungyoun sits at the table nearest the water, and watches hanbin mix his ramyun. when it’s ready hanbin sits next to seungyoun. it would be weird not to.

“how’s training?” seungyoun says through a mouthful of rice.

hanbin answers similarly, garbled around chopsticks, “‘s okay. you?”

“might have to move into a dorm soon,” seungyoun says.

“i heard that, too,” hanbin replies, wondering if they would live near each other or if yuehua’s dorms are further away.

“you should practice with me and bobby hyung,” seungyoun suggests suddenly. “it’s fun.” hanbin wants to say no. he doesn’t know why, though - all that time ago that he had agreed they should be friends and yet he’s never made the effort.

“okay. when?”

they get together on a friday night, because seungyoun still goes to school and knows by now that hanbin and bobby don’t leave until long past when they should.

it’s awkward: hanbin blames that on himself. bobby is like a bridge between them, though, and after a few hours it isn’t so bad.

bobby is messing around on the computer, playing some beats he’d made, and seungyoun is making up lyrics with him and laughing.

he’s got a nice laugh.

hanbin rips the corner off the page he’s been writing on.

“i’m going to piss,” bobby announces, bounding out of the room and ruffling hanbin’s hair on the way.

he hadn’t paused the music. hanbin and seungyoun sit for a moment, and then hanbin sighs and says, “he’ll be, like, twenty minutes.”

seungyoun looks incredulous, and slides into bobby’s chair so that he’s in front of the screen. he’s next to hanbin now, too.

“are you writing something for this track?” seungyoun asks, peering over at hanbin’s notebook.

“i was but i don’t think it fits anymore,” hanbin says, and hunches in on himself a little. he doesn’t want seungyoun to see this page. “it got too…”

“sad,” seungyoun says. he looks at hanbin, right in the eye and too direct, and turns back to the computer.

hanbin wasn’t going to say that, but maybe it’s true. too personal.

seungyoun taps at the keyboard, humming under his breath. he’s got a snapback on, and a hoodie that’s probably too big. it looks soft. hanbin thinks seungyoun is probably the best-looking trainee, even though he knows everyone else would say it’s sungjoo or jinwoo. taehyun, too, maybe, but he still gets teased for being _like that_ , so maybe not.

seungyoun’s a trainee, will be one for a while yet, but he has a group now. it’s been decided. the distance between them had never been closed and now it’s bigger than ever.

 _i can’t reach you anymore_ , scrawled almost illegibly. maybe that’s what seungyoun had seen before hanbin hid it.

hanbin’s chair turns to the side with a creak but seungyoun doesn’t react.

he goes very still when hanbin is a few inches away.

hanbin kisses the corner of seungyoun’s mouth. he’s never kissed, never been kissed, so he lingers maybe too long and then sits back in his own chair.

he wasn’t supposed to do that.

seungyoun says, “i don’t-” and then stops.

he doesn’t really need to say more. he was going to say what everyone else says, about men like taehyun. perhaps seungyoun is just too kind to say it to hanbin’s face.

“i know,” hanbin whispers, and realises it’s the truth. he had known. he didn’t think he’d get anything back. there was just nothing to lose.

they’re told there will be a survival show. another trainee joins, an underground rapper who had debuted before, and he’s added to team a. team b are six nobodies. hanbin doesn’t want to accept defeat before it even begins but it’s hard.

team c won’t be in the show, of course. they’re above the yg trainees.

hanbin moves into the dorm with the rest of team b, team a on the floor below them, and his mother visits whenever she can to bring them all homemade food.

“i know you don’t cook,” she says fondly. hanbyul comes, too, ostensibly to see hanbin but in reality because it cheers everyone up to see her little face.

they have to do photoshoots, and get styled, and record an opening song, and go to a press conference. hanbin gets put in lots of eyeliner, and when the first set of photos are released he’s surprised at how angry he looks. cocky. not like himself.

team a are doing it all along with them, and hanbin learned to think of them as competition a long time ago now but it’s still comforting to not be so alone.

if hanbin thought he didn’t get much sleep before, he learns how to live with less now. they film diary cams, and he stares up at the lens and wonders if it’s worth it.

there’s a positive to it all, though. he hasn’t seen seungyoun for weeks.

bobby still talks to him, hanbin overhears them sometimes, but he does as he used to and sneaks away. he doesn’t mind writing alone as long as he doesn’t have to confront what he did.

he writes about it. it would be too embarrassing for seungyoun to know that.

hanbin celebrates his birthday, and they lose the show.

losing feels like a definitive end, like there should be a material change to match it. hanbin wants to sleep for days.

he sleeps for one, and then is called in to the yg offices. leader can’t catch a break. at least they’re talking about rearrangement rather than disbandment. _adding a member_ , someone says, and someone else writes that down. anything is better than taking one away, hanbin thinks.

bobby goes home to america, just for a week. hanbin sleeps at his parents’ house for a weekend but it feels wrong to leave the others in the dorm so he goes back.

in truth, hanbin doesn’t have hobbies. he has music and practicing. he goes to the trainee building.

the room at the end of the corridor, the one team b had used most frequently over the past 4 months, is taken. hanbin recognises the voice, so he waits until the song stops and then opens the door.

seungyoun waves and turns off the camera he was using to monitor himself.

they don’t bother with small talk.

“sorry you lost,” seungyoun says. he sits down on the bench and pats the space next to him. it’s nice of him to not act like hanbin is contagious. it would be nicer of him to not be so nice.

“thanks,” hanbin replies, relieved to hear his voice come out level.

he hasn’t spoken to seungyoun like this, just them, since bobby came back from the bathroom that day and seungyoun had slipped back into his own chair and hanbin had excused himself early and gone home and prayed for the first time in his life.

“are you disbanding?”

hanbin shakes his head a little too hard, “no. they’re talking about another survival show.” even just saying the words makes his head hurt.

“maybe you should get some sleep now,” seungyoun says. “before you’re back to that.”

well-meaning, but hanbin can’t. he sleeps for twelve hours and then is awake for twenty four. he nods, though, because there’s no point telling seungyoun that.

“what about you?” he asks.

“practice, still.”

seungyoun is in school and so is yibo, and seungyoun is having to learn mandarin from scratch.

“we might debut next year.”

he doesn’t sound totally sure, but hanbin wishes he had even an ounce of that security.

2014

there is a survival show, only it’s not the one hanbin had expected. he and bobby line up with thousands of other hopeful rappers. they both get chains. they get their fair share of dirty looks, too.

it shouldn’t be possible to get busier than this, but then they’re told there will be yet another show after all.

hanbin wishes that being a fixed member was a comfort, but all he can think is that he has to make sure the others are chosen. the burden falls on him once more.

he and bobby say that yg told them to pack their bags if they lose. everyone laughs.

in all honesty, hanbin forgets. he hasn’t seen seungyoun for months somehow, had assumed that maybe his training had moved to yuehua or starship entirely. his lyrics are pining but he doesn’t think about it consciously.

it’s august when he sees him again, a and b and c and staff and trainers crowding into one of the basement training rooms with cake and candles and calling out, “happy birthday!”

seungyoun has always been popular. his phone contacts must be full. he smiles, and his hair is dyed light brown now.

hanbin hangs back, because he doesn’t have anything to say and he didn’t get seungyoun a gift and he can’t stop thinking about how he’s going to be edited in the next episode of _show me the money_ that airs.

bobby grabs hanbin by the wrist, though, and drags him over to see seungyoun despite his protests.

“thanks,” is all seungyoun says but he’s laughing and pats bobby on the back.

he’s had another growth spurt - either that or hanbin is shrinking.

“good luck,” seungyoun says, this time to both of them even though hanbin hasn’t spoken.

three days later, hanbin’s song gets number one on the charts.

to go months without seeing him and then see him again so soon doesn’t feel fair. hanbin doesn’t tell people how he’s feeling. he doesn’t know, himself. he doesn’t like to remember that seungyoun exists, sometimes.

but winner have debuted, finally, and they come together again to watch the music video. it’s one of the only times hanbin has ever been in team a’s ( _-winner’s_ ) dorm.

hanbin misses out on sofa spots, junhoe crowing in victory when he snags the last one, and there’s no point arguing with him. the arm of the sofa is still free, and better than the hardwood floor, so hanbin takes it.

seungyoun looks up at him, inches away.

hanbin slides off and onto the floor and feels seungyoun’s eyes trained on the back of his head.

“hanbin wrote the song!” yunhyeong is saying, even though everyone in the room must know this by now.

“hyung, shut up,” hanbin whines. it’s embarrassing. seungyoun is still looking at him, hanbin is sure.

the visuals of the video distract everyone from the lyrics. probably. hopefully. hanbin joins in with cheering every time everyone else does.

 _i don’t miss you_ , he thinks.

when they’ve watched it three times, taehyun gets up and grabs some soju from the kitchen. hanbin has a little bit, not a lot, and he doesn’t like it. jinhwan gives him a good excuse for not having anymore, talking about how they’re recording the next morning and not letting junhoe and donghyuk have even a sip.

seungyoun has enough that his cheeks get red. he catches hanbin in the hallway when everyone is grabbing jackets and shoes and getting ready to leave.

waiting for him to say something about the song, hanbin picks at the skin around his thumbnail. he doesn’t want to hear it.

maybe seungyoun realises this. maybe he doesn’t have anything to say. maybe he can tell there’s no point in saying “stop it” to hanbin.

_i just long for you_ , winner sing in their voices with hanbin’s words.

hanbin runs away, one day. he sits on a park bench until he’s found. he brings snacks back as an apology, and he says sorry to the staff in the car dozens of times. yunhyeong can’t even be angry at him.

if he had known how, he would have gone somewhere no one could have found him.

“busan,” he tells the cameraman, but what he means is “anywhere that isn’t here”.

bobby succeeds where hanbin fails. seungyoun isn’t at the shooting but hanbin sees bobby get a congratulatory text from him the day after.

mid-october uniq perform for the first time. their debut song is sweet and cliché. they’re wearing suits, and it’s not very yg-style. hanbin had never known wenhan or yixuan or yibo very well, but it’s nice to see sungjoo shine in a group like this after so long.

he hadn’t quite realised he had been waiting for seungyoun until he’s in the center, and he looks so young and so- hanbin pauses for a moment, feels stupid and presses play again.

it’s a cute song. the line distribution isn’t fair, but that was to be expected. seungyoun’s voice is still unpolished, hanbin thinks. he wants to see what it sounds like in a few years.

they officially debut four days later. the music video is decidedly harder to stomach than the live stage. hanbin watches it alone in the studio at four am. seungyoun holds the actress’ hand, lipsyncs to sungjoo’s line, smiles at the camera; hanbin slams his laptop shut.

this time bobby texts seungyoun and hanbin reads over his shoulder. maybe bobby doesn’t pick up on it but seungyoun seems smug. maybe hanbin is just the bitter one now. seungyoun says he saw the born hater video.

_ㅋㅋㅋ good right_

_hyung looked very cool_

_you’re a real rapper now_

bobby snickers and elbows hanbin in the side before sending back:

_hanbinnie too!_

and hanbin isn’t happy about it at all but he can’t say that so he nods and tries not to look too much like he’s waiting for seungyoun’s response.

it comes two minutes later and makes bobby cackle.

_hanbin-ssi was cute_

“are you still not friends?” bobby says through his laughter. “what’s that about?”

hanbin pretends his face isn’t bright red and tells bobby he doesn’t know.

no one would call bobby the most perceptive of them all but he squints at hanbin for a second too long, like he’s looking for something. hanbin hates that.

“shut up,” he says. “he’s just kidding.”

the look in bobby’s eye disappears and he croons, “ooh, our hanbinnie is so cute!” over and over until hanbin is laughing with him and telling him to get back to work, and hanbin doesn’t see the rest of the text conversation.

for hanbin’s birthday they play a surprise video. everyone says horrifically sappy things they would never repeat in person, and hanbin has icing wiped on his cheek within seconds of the cake being brought out.

winner come, too, and hanbin’s parents and sister aren’t there but it does feel like being around family just a little.

they film the final episode that night.

it airs on the sixth, and the day after that donghyuk is announced as the seventh member of ikon.

2015

having your group announced should mean less stress. it should mean reassurance.

hanbin spends every day in the studio, submits a list of songs weekly and doesn’t cry when they all get rejected for the title track.

it’s not good enough. something is missing, hanbin doesn’t know what. he saves everything he makes in a folder and when it’s been more than a month he might resend it and hope yang hyunsuk has changed his mind in that time.

his mother doesn’t ask when he’s coming home anymore. jinhwan asks him, now, what time he’ll be back so that they can leave food for him. more often than not hanbin just eats snacks from the corner store and leaves the dorm before anyone else wakes up.

hanbin and bobby are used in a promotion video along with a trainee, lisa, and hanbin realises not for the first time that he is a product. he ignores it as usual.

he watches uniq’s comeback on his studio computer with headphones on. it’s better than the debut. seungyoun’s hair makes hanbin laugh but the rap is good - his voice sounds deeper and hanbin doesn’t like that his stomach feels a little funny, but objectively it’s an improvement.

the fake tattoos don’t make him laugh. the choreography doesn’t either, despite being almost comically try hard. seungyoun puts his shirt between his teeth and it’s stupid, so stupid, but it’s still sexy and hanbin knows the door is locked.

he crosses the line for the second time. at least now seungyoun isn’t there to see it, to spare hanbin’s feelings with a half-hearted rejection. he unbuttons his jeans and jerks off, quick and quiet, and is glad for the tissues he keeps in the desk drawer. it doesn’t make the sick feeling in his stomach go away - it gets worse, really, when there’s this much shame added to it.

_my type_ gets approval for release. a pre-release single, not the title track, something softer to get people’s attention.

yg chooses a tougher song as their real debut, and they shoot music videos and jacket pictures in the summer.

a week after _my type_ , hanbin hears about someone being signed to yg after _show me the money 4_.

three days later hanbin leaves his studio at a sensible time for once, and sees one just walking in.

he introduces himself as jaewon, and shakes hanbin’s hand and smiles politely when hanbin stutters saying goodbye. jaewon looks like a model.

the only thing hanbin says about him when he mentions it to the others is that jaewon is very handsome. jinhwan gives him a funny look and donghyuk snickers. hanbin will never tell them but he thinks it’s not so hard to know about him.

ikon’s first album comes out on the first of october.

hanbin gets a message from an unknown number at midnight.

_you finally debuted then_

_we all did_

_so i was wrong about that_

they had all stayed up to watch the music video drop and hanbin angles his screen away from everyone else. bobby must have given him hanbin’s number.

hanbin doesn’t reply, for fear of saying something too real. he makes a new contact in his phone.

2016

ikon’s tour was announced days after debut. they release the japanese version of their album at the start of the year. there are only three korean tour dates. hanbin is already dreading the plane travel.

learning the japanese lyrics is a challenge. hanbin doesn’t even speak japanese, the lessons he’s been getting for the past year or two never quite sticking. he makes sure he remembers the most useful phrases for speaking to a crowd, and then focuses on trying to memorise the nonsense sounds of his translated lyrics.

he’s in his studio, as he always is, when bobby comes barging in as he always does, except right now he has seungyoun right behind him and says, “you don’t mind, right?”

hanbin has realised by now that he isn’t allowed to mind. not out loud.

seungyoun bows in greeting and sits down on the sofa. hanbin hasn’t seen him for well over a year. he’s lost some of the baby fat, not all, and his shoulders are broader now. he’s wearing jeans for once, and a beanie and face mask though he pulls the latter off and tucks it into his jacket pocket.

“i’m auditioning for _show me the money_ ,” seungyoun says. “i asked hyung for advice.”

hanbin doesn’t miss that he says he asked bobby only, but doesn’t mention it.

grinning, bobby says, “yeah! as _show me_ sunbaes!”

“hyung, you were the one who won,” hanbin points out. he doesn’t want to sound sulky but knows he does. why did he need to be dragged into this?

bobby is immune to hanbin’s whining by now. he pushes hanbin out of his work chair and onto the sofa next to seungyoun. hanbin decides that his revenge will be not speaking to either of them, and thinks that’s a good idea until they don’t even seem to notice, too busy talking to each other.

hanbin stands to leave but is pulled back down hard by a hand on his thigh and he only lets it move him because it’s seungyoun’s, not bobby’s. not that he cares. but seungyoun doesn’t move his hand away, and then hanbin isn’t sulking anymore only because he can’t think straight.

seungyoun pats hanbin’s leg once, as emphasis for whatever he’s just said, probably unconsciously, and he leaves it there again. hanbin can hear raesung and jaewon out in the corridor and wants them to come and rescue him.

“-should probably go now?”

hanbin tunes in to the end of bobby’s sentence and without thinking says, “no, i need to stay and work on my japanese.”

“i’ll help,” seungyoun chips in.

bobby raises an eyebrow but doesn’t question it.

once he leaves, seungyoun stands up and locks the door.

“you said you weren’t,” hanbin accuses right away. he can’t help it. he can still feel the weight of seungyoun’s palm on his leg.

seungyoun shrugs and says, “i’m not.”

he looks so tall from where hanbin is sitting; hanbin stands up and still feels too small.

“then what do you want?”

if it sounds desperate it’s because he is. hanbin doesn’t know how to move on, clearly. writing songs didn’t work it out for him like it does everything else.

“not much,” seungyoun answers. he gets a hand around the back of hanbin’s neck and holds him still, and leans in until his breath is hitting hanbin’s mouth. he doesn’t bend down enough and - humiliating, transparent and so pathetic - hanbin rises up onto his toes to be within reach.

seungyoun makes him wait. he might be the cruelest person hanbin has ever met.

it’s not his first kiss since that time. hayi had tried, before she realised hanbin’s fondness for her didn’t extend to that. it’s the first one that makes him feel something, though, and he doesn’t miss the irony in that when seungyoun feels nothing here.

they never manage to watch the episodes on time, what with tour dates and then filming _heroes of remix_. hanbin wouldn’t have watched it at all but jaewon reauditions and gets in for the second time and hanbin would feel bad if he missed that.

seungyoun is eliminated one week before jaewon.

hanbin sends a consolation message to jaewon and not seungyoun.

2017

when jaewon debuts, seungyoun posts the teaser photos on instagram.

ikon tour, and it isn’t every day but the flights leave hanbin feeling tired and sick more often than not.

he spends all of his time in korea in the studio with jaewon and raesung and seung, and goes for walks by the river when he gets stuck on a song.

hanbin thinks maybe he’ll finally try something new, learn how to arrange flowers like he always says he wants to, and then decides not. if he’s picking a hobby for the sake of it it seems pointless. it wouldn’t make him happy.

jaewon insists that he isn't in the pilot episode so it would be boring to watch. instead, he gets everyone over for the second episode of the first drama he's cast in. he's on screen for less than three minutes of that one, and he barely speaks, but they all cheer when he does. jaewon says it's nothing and looks secretly pleased.

there are people hanbin barely knows there, some of his friends, and seungyoun. less than a dozen in total, because jaewon's apartment isn't large. seungyoun looks at hanbin teasing jaewon, and the look on his face is indecipherable.

hanbin drinks one can of fruity cider and it goes straight to his head.

when he excuses himself to go to the bathroom seungyoun is close behind him, and he locks the door before hanbin can shove him out. there's not much subtlety in this.

"what do you want now?" hanbin asks him.

seungyoun gives him another look that hanbin isn't able to read, leans back against the bathroom door, and says, "you and jaewon hyung."

they aren't obvious - at least hanbin had thought so - but it isn't like it's a secret, either. jaewon had said their relationship was “affection” live on the radio, and hanbin had only denied it because he was embarrassed.

"if i kiss you now, is it cheating?" seungyoun asks.

if the answer was yes this would be easier. as it is, hanbin doesn't know.

seungyoun has long hair now, and it suits him. it's black and a little wavy, though that might not be natural.

maybe hanbin finally has the upper hand when, instead of answering, he gets to his knees even though the floor is tiled and looks up at seungyoun. he doesn't look angry, so hanbin undoes the button on seungyoun's jeans with clumsy fingers.

he isn't hard but hanbin doesn't mind. he will be, soon, if the way he reaches down and takes hold of hanbin's hair is any indication.

"we don't have long," seungyoun says, like he wasn't the one who followed hanbin in here.

hanbin finds that he's messier when he's tipsy. there's a bit too much spit, and his eyes keep falling closed even when he doesn't want them to. he wants to see seungyoun's reaction, wants to make sure seungyoun is watching _him_. seungyoun stays quiet, for obvious reasons, and hanbin finds himself craving reassurance. he whines, mouth full, feeling his cheeks get more red than they already were. it's embarrassing. it's the most humiliating experience of his life, actually, worse than everything he's had to do as an idol.

and it's hot, too, and hanbin knows seungyoun won't touch him in return so he wonders if he'll have to get off alone in the bathroom or if he can get jaewon in the bedroom after everyone else leaves.

as if seungyoun can tell hanbin is thinking about someone else, he tugs on the fistful of hair he has and makes hanbin look up at him. his other hand cups hanbin's cheek for a second, and he rubs one thumb over hanbin's bottom lip where it's pulled tight around seungyoun's cock.

whether he means the touch to be tender or not, it feels like it. hanbin sees the first crack in seungyoun's composure in the form of a blush, on his cheeks and down his neck.

seungyoun comes in hanbin's mouth minutes later because hanbin doesn't pull off fast enough, and he spits into the sink while seungyoun does his jeans back up. there's no offer of reciprocation, as predicted. they don't kiss, either.

back in the living room, no one mentions their absence; too absorbed in whatever youtube videos someone is playing on jaewon's tv and the new bottles of alcohol they must have pulled out at some point in the last fifteen minutes.

hanbin sits back down next to jaewon when raesung moves to make space for him. his lips must be red. jaewon doesn't seem bothered, only slings his arm around hanbin's shoulders and holds him tight.

that's seungyoun's answer for him, then.

2018

_love scenario_ is an unprecedented hit. hanbin doesn’t really know what to do with himself: he’s been calling ikon b-listers for years and now there’s this.

not much changes, though. his bank account is better off than before, and one day he walks past a group of children singing his part. other than that it’s the same. hanbin practices, and records, and writes. he convinces his friends to let him film them for _ikon tv_ , and they make him pay for them when they go to lotte world together.

hanbin leaves comments on jaewon’s instagram and still blushes when he gets a reply. it feels like he’s in high school (at least, what he thinks that might have felt like). if the company knows about it, they don’t get scolded. the fans will write it off as joking.

woodz debuts in may. hanbin listens to the song.

seungyoun tags bobby in the ice bucket challenge. hanbin had done it with bobby way back in 2014, so bobby donates and posts a proof shot on instagram.

he listens to the second song, too. hanbin sees the tattoo on seungyoun’s hip - incidentally in the same place as his own - and wishes he had known about it back in december.

the third one is different. ikon are busy in the way hanbin actually likes, for once - they've released an ep, they get to do festivals in korea and not japan, hanbin has even just a little bit more space to think - but when he's in the studio on youtube one night he sees a song called _meaningless_ , under seungyoun’s name, released barely a week ago.

he's never even texted this number but when the song ends hanbin phones seungyoun, and before he can panic and hang up the dial tone ends.

"hello?" seungyoun asks. hanbin knows seungyoun has his number so his name must have come up on the screen. maybe seungyoun thinks it's a prank.

"uh. hi."

seungyoun sounds suspicious when he asks, "what's up?"

it's going to sound so stupid out loud.

"i heard your song," hanbin says. "the new one, i mean."

seungyoun hums and says nothing.

"when did you write it?" hanbin finally asks, and it makes seungyoun laugh.

"are you going to call an ambulance for me? why do you care when?"

it makes hanbin want to scream, because he isn't the one who doesn't care out of the two of them, but he takes a deep breath and doesn't argue.

"no. shut up. i just liked it."

perhaps the understatement of the century. hanbin almost wants to hang up on seungyoun just so he can listen to it again. _i don’t know why i live. i probably won’t know till i die._ it reminds hanbin of the demos he isn't allowed to release.

they sit in silence for a second, something they seem to do every time they speak.

seungyoun says, "thanks," belatedly. "i liked your song, too."

it's the first time someone's said that and hanbin has had to ask, "which one?"

he assumes seungyoun will say killing me since it was out much more recently, but instead seungyoun says, "the one on that tv show. the song about the actress you like."

"what?!"

another laugh. this one seems genuine, and now hanbin can tell that the earlier one was not.

"what's wrong with that?"

"it was months ago!" hanbin splutters. "and it's not about her."

"oh, i'm sorry. what else does her being your muse imply?" seungyoun snickers. it sounds like he's moving around, shuffling and fabric sounds until it goes silent again.

"it- you know what it means," hanbin doesn't want to have to explain to seungyoun of all people that kim jiwon is a cover-up, an easy target for hanbin to claim as inspiration for songs about love from someone who has never had a girlfriend. "why that song?"

he thinks seungyoun is bluffing, really. he must have read about it and decided to tease.

"'don't do that if you're not gonna kiss me'," seungyoun sings, a key above the original, and hanbin's stomach drops.

"i thought you were lying," hanbin says weakly. it's unfair that seungyoun sounds so good over the phone, and probably lucky that hanbin had never called him before today.

"why would i lie to you?" seungyoun asks.

hanbin thinks that kissing first should count as a lie when it's like this.

instead of answering that question, hanbin asks one of his own.

"can i come over?"

seungyoun chokes on nothing, and has to pat himself on the back before he can speak without croaking. "i- i live with my mother," he admits. he sounds shy about it, likely nothing to do with hanbin but he revels in it.

not a no, either.

but it gives hanbin time to think, and while he could offer up his studio or his room it's not a good idea. technically. he shouldn't.

"okay," is his reply.

he's never heard seungyoun sound disappointed but hanbin thinks that must be what this is, with the way he says, "okay," back, quietly.

hanbin is going to say goodbye and hang up now, when he's winning.

seungyoun interrupts, though, and says, "maybe another time. we can- i've got a studio, uh. never mind."

nothing makes sense right now. hanbin feels like he called the wrong person.

"sure," hanbin says. "another time."

he should have known seungyoun wouldn't give up control that easy. hanbin gets a text from seungyoun, an address and not much else, and it doesn't feel trustworthy but he gets dressed and heads there anyway.

it's in a nice building. up two flights of stairs, and none of the hall lights flicker.

the door he knocks on opens to a face he's only ever seen in other people's instagram posts - hanbin goes red, says, "nice to meet you," and feels himself redden further when he sees over nathan's shoulder that there are two more people in the room besides just seungyoun.

having to be polite and thank strangers for their praise of his music is awkward at the best of times but even more so now when he had come here with only one intention. seungyoun doesn't help, of course. he sits in his desk chair and leaves hanbin to chat with the others, and it's only after twenty minutes of this that he finally says, "actually, i was going to ask hanbin-ssi for help with something. i forgot i told him today. is it okay if we meet up later, guys?"

hanbin has to grit his teeth.

when the door swings shut hanbin is on his feet and across the room, and seungyoun's grin is painfully smug so hanbin sits in his lap if only to make him complain.

"you are such a bastard," hanbin spits. like this, he feels taller than seungyoun. seungyoun has to tilt his head back, and he still looks pleased with himself.

one hand in seungyoun's hair - and they should have done this months ago when his hair was still long so hanbin could get a proper grip - pushes his neck back just a little further, and hanbin kisses him.

can he ever really beat seungyoun? within seconds seungyoun has got his hands around hanbin's waist, and hanbin whines pitifully when seungyoun sucks on his tongue. hanbin's hand tightens in seungyoun's hair, and he brings the other up to the arm of the chair to keep himself steady.

jeans were a bad choice for this trip. with his legs spread over seungyoun's hanbin is trapped and already hard, and he's wondering if seungyoun is distracted enough to not notice if hanbin tries to rub one out on his thigh.

and seungyoun's hand slides down from hanbin's waist and presses right over his cock. hanbin moans, stops breathing, gasps out, "don't do that."

seungyoun doesn't move his hand. just asks, "if what?"

hanbin thinks about seungyoun singing his song, thinks about seungyoun's voice carrying on to the next line. this isn't love, though, and it never will be, so hanbin won't indulge in it.

instead, he gets out of the chair and onto his knees again. if seungyoun hadn't ruined it he would have stayed put. hanbin never thinks of himself as small but seungyoun is undeniably bigger and broader and being in his lap for even a minute had hanbin feeling too-warm and desperate.

he's sober this time. seungyoun's trousers and boxers get pulled down his thighs easily, and when hanbin touches him he makes a little sound.

seungyoun slouches in his chair a tiny bit more, brings both of his hands down to hold hanbin's face - nothing that could be read as gentle this time, and hanbin chokes as seungyoun uses his grip to fuck into hanbin's mouth.

if his mouth wasn't full hanbin would call him a bastard again, and hit him for good measure.

in reality, seungyoun isn't holding him hard. he could pull away if he wanted to. they both know this. hanbin lets seungyoun do what he wants, the way he always seems to, and the next time he gags and it makes seungyoun moan properly.

hanbin's eyes water quickly, and he's terrible at breathing through his nose like this.

he's not going to stop, though. he has one hand between his own thighs and every noise seungyoun makes is better than the last. hanbin lets his mind go blank.

the hands on his face are warm, and seungyoun moves his thumb to wipe away a tear before it can run down hanbin’s cheek. too nice.

he had wanted to be better this time than he had been in jaewon’s bathroom, to prove that that was the product of alcohol, but hanbin isn’t even doing anything right now. seungyoun moves him how he wants to and hanbin’s hips twitch up into the palm of his own hand.

hanbin likes sucking cock - he wouldn't be here if he didn't, because it's not like anything else is on the table - but maybe he likes this more. all he has to think about is keeping his lips over his teeth. he gags again and then moans; seungyoun's breath comes out unsteady.

"you're good at this," seungyoun says quietly.

it makes hanbin want to laugh, because how could he be bad at getting his face fucked, but the praise is what he had craved the last time and getting it now makes him flush red.

he doesn't know how long it takes until seungyoun pulls out. hanbin, dazed, stares as seungyoun jerks off hard and fast and comes in his palm. his face looks stupid. he had been mad about it last time, but if seungyoun had come in hanbin's mouth now he thinks he would have let him.

this headspace isn't one that hits hanbin often. he's still on his knees and he doesn't make to get up. seungyoun grabs at the tissues on his desk and wipes his hand off. hanbin's mouth is hanging open, lips red and sore, and his jaw hurts but he feels empty, too.

when seungyoun swivels back around in his chair and sees hanbin exactly where he'd left him, he looks surprised and asks, "are you okay? you look-"

hanbin nods. he's still hard, he realises belatedly. he doesn't particularly want to let seungyoun see him do anything about that, but he can't get his legs to work.

scooting closer in his chair, seungyoun gets his hands in hanbin's armpits and hauls him up and back into seungyoun's lap. hanbin's knees are stiff from being bent and this position doesn't alleviate that, but at least the chair is more cushioned than the floor. he doesn't protest even though it's humiliating. seungyoun picking him up so easily will be the only thought in hanbin’s mind for days.

once he's settled, seungyoun's hands move: one on hanbin's waist, like earlier again, and the other curves up around hanbin's chin, digging in almost too hard, and pulls him into another kiss.

hanbin panics, knowing where his mouth has just been and what it tastes like, but seungyoun doesn't seem to have any qualms. feeling limp and slow, hanbin lets seungyoun lick into him and sags into his lap. he still has one hand on his crotch and gives up on modesty, fucking into the pressure and panting into seungyoun's open mouth.

"let me?" seungyoun says, and bites hanbin's bottom lip.

hanbin doesn't know what he's agreeing to but he nods. the second seungyoun's hand pushes hanbin's out of the way, curling around the shape of hanbin's dick in his jeans, hanbin comes. everything goes fuzzy and he tries to kiss seungyoun back even when he feels like he can barely see. he thinks he hears seungyoun's breath stutter but it might just be his own.

only when hanbin is mostly sure he won't fall over does he stand up. his knees click audibly, and he sniffs. he's embarrassed that he let seungyoun do that, but showing it would be more embarrassing still.

"i hope you don't treat your girlfriends like that," hanbin says.

seungyoun's laugh is definitely better in person than over the phone. it’s just as hanbin had remembered it. his face screws up and hanbin has to bite his own lip to keep from joining in as he turns away and goes to sit on the sofa so that he isn't so close to seungyoun.

"what was wrong with it?" seungyoun asks, still grinning. his hair is sticking up in every direction and he looks far too pleased with himself.

hanbin raises his eyebrows. "my voice will be gone tomorrow. and i've got-" he gestures at his jeans, where the wet spot is cooling and quickly becoming uncomfortable.

shrugging, seungyoun says, "you seemed to enjoy it."

which may be true, and hanbin may have brought a spare pair of boxers with him in his bag because he thought something like this might happen, but still.

"i'm not a girl," hanbin retorts.

seungyoun shrugs again, like that doesn't really matter to him.

hanbin walks to the public bathroom at the end of the hallway with his bag held in front of him, and gets changed in a too-small stall into clean underwear. his jeans can't really be salvaged right now, so he untucks his shirt and is glad he'd worn one long enough that it shouldn't be visible.

he's tempted to step back into seungyoun's room, but he's got his bag and everything he came with in his hand and has no reason to, so he leaves without saying goodbye.

2019

there’s an article about seungyoun joining the new _produce_ season. hanbin doesn’t believe it until he sees seungyoun, with a new haircut, dancing to the theme song.

he texts seungyoun to say good luck and hits send before realising seungyoun won’t have his phone with him, probably until the show ends. it’s too late to put his phone on airplane mode and hope the message doesn’t send.

the reply comes through in july, one day after the live finale.

_sorry_

hanbin has only just stopped getting endless consolation from everyone he knows, and he doesn’t want that from seungyoun, so he ignores it.

there’s some kind of jealousy within him at seungyoun getting a fresh start a month after hanbin’s life was ruined. it lasts for less than two weeks, when hanbin sees something online about voting fraud.

when the first search warrants are issued, hanbin texts seungyoun again.

seungyoun's reply is short.

_studio_

_if you want_

hanbin goes, anyway, because it’s not like he has anything better to do.

he doesn’t need the address again, and when he gets there seungyoun is sat on the sofa. he has a plastic bag next to him, likely from the corner store downstairs.

just to be contrary, hanbin sits in seungyoun’s desk chair rather than next to him.

seungyoun makes a point of having to stand up to hand hanbin the drink he had gotten for him. it’s not hanbin’s favourite flavour, but it’s fine.

“so what’s up?” seungyoun asks after a minute.

hanbin thinks about how he had to move back home. he’s wearing a beanie because his roots are growing out but he doesn’t know where he can go anymore to get it fixed. he’s sat in a room with a man who doesn’t even like him.

“nothing much,” hanbin says. “why did you tell me to come over?”

they look at each other for a second. seungyoun says, “i didn’t want to be alone.”

the reward for his honesty is that hanbin doesn’t leave.

he does pull out his phone though, and scrolls around on instagram aimlessly for a while. hanbin messages jaewon, and tells his mother he might be back home a little late.

seungyoun is on his phone, too, and it might be the can of alcohol but hanbin thinks it’s funny that they’re sitting opposite each other like this, ignoring each other, so he pulls up his messages.

_hey_

_seungyounie_

when his phone pings seungyoun laughs. hanbin really likes it when seungyoun laughs like that.

“what?” seungyoun asks out loud.

it’s been a long time since hanbin has seen seungyoun in person, now that he thinks about it. he looks a little bit older, maybe, but he’s wearing a t-shirt hanbin has seen him in before. no hat, today. hanbin says he got over all of this years ago. sometimes he tells himself there was never even anything to get over. right now, he’s scared he’ll always be here.

“can i get you off?” hanbin says, instead of any of the truth.

“that really isn’t why i asked you to come over,” seungyoun insists even as he giggles.

“can i anyway?”

hanbin is scared of what seungyoun sees when he looks at him.

seungyoun nods, finally, and hanbin doesn’t want him to take it back so he jumps out of the chair and into seungyoun’s lap for the second time.

he hadn’t been planning on kissing seungyoun tonight but he can't stop himself. seungyoun tastes like beer, which hanbin hates, but he kisses well enough that it isn’t important.

pulling back, seungyoun presses his lips to the corner of hanbin’s jaw - and it’s the first time he’s kissed hanbin anywhere else, and hanbin gasps and can’t stop imagining what it would be like if seungyoun kissed him somewhere else, too, anywhere else.

the expectation was another blowjob on his knees. that’s why hanbin is wearing trousers despite the august heat. instead, he reaches for the hem of seungyoun’s t-shirt and pulls it up and over his head.

it’s the first time hanbin sees seungyoun’s body. he had known of all the tattoos already, had maybe looked at seungyoun’s _dazed_ photoshoot a few too many times, but it’s different in person.

seungyoun quirks one eyebrow up, insufferably smug.

hanbin says, “okay, you’re not _that_ hot,” and rolls his eyes.

it only makes him laugh, shaking under hanbin, and say, “let’s see you, then.”

not shy about his body and yet not confident in this situation, hanbin pauses, and seungyoun grabs him around the waist and twists so that hanbin ends up lying on the sofa with seungyoun looming over him. he’s caught off-guard enough by it that he lets seungyoun unbutton the shirt he’s wearing and pull it off his shoulders. seungyoun pulls hanbin’s beanie off, too, ignoring the protests that his hair is ugly.

seungyoun’s left hand goes straight to hanbin’s hip, tracing the letters inked there and scraping his fingernail along the waistband of hanbin’s underwear where it cuts off the last few words.

when hanbin doesn’t stop him seungyoun looks him in the eye and asks, “last time you said not to.”

“i don’t care about forever anymore,” hanbin says.

clumsily, seungyoun gets his hand around hanbin’s cock and strokes him. it’s too tight but hanbin is wet already, and feels himself leak more when seungyoun’s other hand slides into his hair and pulls his head to the side for seungyoun to leave more kisses on his neck.

hanbin feels trapped and powerless, squirming between seungyoun’s hands, hearing himself make breathy noises that don’t sound like him. he wants seungyoun to move his hand back further but he won’t ask for that, no matter how drunk he gets. there are lines here, still, even if this is crossing one of them already.

for a moment, when hanbin feels seungyoun’s tongue on his collarbone and his teeth on his skin, he goes to tell seungyoun not to leave visible marks. he realises quickly that it doesn’t matter anymore, though, and when seungyoun bites him he arches up into it and cries out.

seungyoun gets a little more confident at that. he lets go of hanbin to pull hanbin’s sweatpants down to his thighs and then takes him in his hand again. the exposure has hanbin trying to curl into himself, wanting to hide. as punishment, or just on a whim, seungyoun lets the edge of his thumbnail drag over the head of hanbin’s cock, and he laughs at the way hanbin shudders and gasps for breath.

“god, please-“ hanbin whines. seungyoun looks up at hanbin like he’s waiting for guidance, and hanbin turns bright red at having to give directions aloud.

“can you- faster, and kiss me?” he asks, which sounds like a stupid request to make in this situation but seungyoun does it, does both of them, and hanbin comes all over seungyoun’s fingers and his own stomach after a minute of licking into seungyoun’s mouth as if he’s hungry for it.

“your turn,” hanbin tries to say when he’s stopped panting so hard. he can feel his hair sticking to the back of his neck with sweat and his legs ache where they’re spread around seungyoun.

“it’s okay,” seungyoun says, too fast. his ears are red, and when he awkwardly moves away hanbin realises what happened. it’s interesting.

seungyoun might have teased if it were the other way around, but hanbin just says, “fine. i owe you.”

“you owe me a shitty hand job on a shitty studio couch?” seungyoun laughs. his ears are still red but he looks less self-conscious, at least.

“yes,” hanbin deadpans. “it’ll be exactly the same. i’ll blow you next time, though, if you give me some tissues right now.”

he startles at the reminder that hanbin is lying there propped up on his elbows with come all over his abs, and grabs a suspiciously convenient pack of wet wipes from a drawer and hands them over.

hanbin thanks him and tries to clean himself up as best he can while seungyoun watches like a creep. when hanbin shoves his hat back on seungyoun seems to realise they aren’t going to hang out afterwards.

“see you around?” seungyoun says when hanbin is halfway out the door.

as if their professional lives ever intersected even before. why would they now?

hanbin thinks beating around the bush like this is boring. he says, “just text me.”


	2. Bibliography

Allkpop. November 1, 2016. _UNIQ's Seungyoun talks about auditioning for SM, JYP & YG + former YG trainee days._ [<https://www.allkpop.com/article/2016/11/uniqs-seungyoun-talks-about-auditioning-for-sm-jyp-yg-former-yg-trainee-days>]

Hype Malaysia. September 19, 2014. _#UNIQ: YG’s New Korean-Chinese Boy Group To Debut Under Yuehua Entertainment_. [<https://hype.my/2014/26815/uniq-ygs-new-korean-chinese-boy-group-to-debut-under-yuehua-entertainment/>]

Hellokpop. August 6, 2014. _WINNER to debut with song by B.I and Bobby and self-written track._ [[https://www.hellokpop.com/kpop/winner-to-debut-with-song-by-b-i-and-bobby-and-self-written-track/](https://www.hellokpop.com/kpop/winner-to-debut-with-song-by-b-i-and-bobby-and-self-written-trac)]

WINNER. August 11, 2014. _WINNER - '공허해(empty)' M/V._ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEqlF5N8UMs>]

Mnet K-POP. c. October 2, 2014. _… When B.I left (Mix & Match)… _[<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zl9BkoykE_U>]

The Korea Herald. September 5, 2014. _YG trainee rapper Bobby wins ‘Show Me the Money’._ [<http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20140905000932>]

MCountdown. October 16, 2014. _UNIQ - Falling In Love [Debut Stage] @ MCountdown_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIdCb_uoumA>]

1theK. October 20, 2014. _[MV] UNIQ(_ 유니크 _) _ Falling In Love_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhLyj-boNic>]

OFFICIAL EPIK HIGH. October 18, 2014. _EPIK HIGH (_ 에픽하이 _) - BORN HATER ft. Beenzino, Verbal Jint, B.I, MINO, BOBBY [Official MV]_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s1jaFDrp5M>]

YG ENTERTAINMENT. March 3, 2015. _NONAGON - FW 2015_. [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZVWfvV-ZZY>]

1theK. April 24, 2015. _[MV] UNIQ(_ 유니크 _) _ EOEO_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96THVBRqJvY>]

Soompi. September 21, 2015. _“Show Me the Money 4” Contestant One Signs With YG Entertainment._ [<https://www.soompi.com/article/772199wpp/show-me-the-money-4-contestant-one-signs-with-yg-entertainment>]

YG-LIFE. October 5, 2015. _iKON debuts in Japan in January next year… Holding arena tour in February._ [<https://yg-life.com/archives/56629?lang=en>]

Mnet Official. June 3, 2016. _[SMTM5] … Flowsik vs Cho Seungyoun @1:1 Battle Rnd 20160603 EP.04_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnOIP8rcsH0>]

(dkyounly). June 6, 2019. _… Seungyoun even posted Jaewon's solo debut teasers on IG…_ [<https://twitter.com/dkyounly/status/1136522425305145345>] Tweet.

Harper’s BAZAAR Korea. _March, 2018. iKON for Harper's BAZAAR Korea (March 2018 Edition)._ [<https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OQX_NNGTfZY/WxeY06RivUI/AAAAAAAAA7Q/vzyi5UejfekiFUVnQ9UsBNqJFw7RKItNQCLcBGAs/s1600/DZcBnPLU0AALsn2.jpg>]

onlyonearchives. January 7, 2018. _[ENG SUB] A Korean Odyssey (Hwayugi) EP.02 - ONE/Jung Jaewon CUT_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STpoiPq2Txo>]

Koreaboo. January 17, 2019. _Some iKON Members Have Ridiculously High Alcohol Tolerances._ [<https://www.koreaboo.com/news/ikon-alcohol-tolerance/>]

ILYHANBEAN. July 19, 2017. _[ENG SUB] 170719 Hongki's Kiss The Radio - ONE Phone Call to iKON's B.I._ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0abuShTSi8>] (Timestamp: 5:11)

(onlyonearchives). March 3, 2018. _Hanbin commented "You are handsome" on ONE's post._ [<https://twitter.com/onlyonearchives/status/969820805033963521?s=20>] Tweet.

Cho Seungyoun (woodz_dnwm). June 7, 2018. [<https://www.instagram.com/p/BjudgvMAGis/>] Instagram post.

1theK. May 12, 2018. _[MV] WOODZ _ POOL_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmM7UwdMoSg>]

1theK. 21 July, 2018. _[MV] WOODZ _ DIFFERENT_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8DfkZ0HDXE>]

1theK. 3 November, 2018. _[MV] WOODZ _ meaningless(_ 아무의미 _)_ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LasHjbH8eY4>]

(seungyoun101). 14 May, 2019. _"...seungyoun opened up abt his mental health last year…"_ [<https://twitter.com/seungyoun101/status/1128155561277763586?lang=en>] Tweet.

BINNY BUNNY 1996. March 19, 2018. _[ENG SUB] iKON B.I / Hanbin Talking About His Muse & Singing _떨린단 말이다 _(I Become Nervous) at Talkmon._ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwdBZII9Z88>]

WOODZ. June 13, 2020. _WOODZ - I Live With My Mom._ [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwHDO9a2IOE>]

Mnet Official. March 21, 2019. _PRODUCE X 101 [최초공개]프로듀스 X 101 ′_지마(X1-MA)′ Performance_. [<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7lPWLr-rJI>]

X1 Cho Seungyoun Archive. June, 2018. _© DAZED KOREA_ [<https://seungyoun.com/post/174484460421/dazed-korea>]

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know. i wish you could see the scarily extensive timeline i wrote for this.


End file.
